


hey look ma, i made it

by raewastaken (IWriteLove)



Series: born again [2]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Gen, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24182587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWriteLove/pseuds/raewastaken
Summary: JJ comes to in a field of broc flower plants.
Relationships: (mentioned) - Relationship, Male Courier/Arcade Gannon
Series: born again [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1745344
Kudos: 16





	hey look ma, i made it

JJ comes to in a field of broc flower plants.

He stands, feeling the breeze across his skin, all the thoughts that had been running through his head before - the battle, the people following him to their deaths, Arcade waiting for him back in Freeside - were quiet, a gentle murmur that lulled him into a sense of security, a sense of safety.  _ ‘Where am I,’ _ he thinks, glancing around him, at the flowers swaying in the wind, at the clouds floating across a blue sky. Picturesque, serene, calm. He glances down at his hands, finds the scars on his thumbs and bruises on his arms healed over, gone, the dirt and blood washed away. He knows he was just at the dam - he had just fought the Legate, faced down the most fearsome soldier in Caesar’s army, and lived to tell the tale. But where were his wounds, the sharp pain in his ribs every time he took a breath in, his pounding headache from dehydration and stress? His memory was blank - he couldn’t remember what happened after he stared Lanius down in his camp. He couldn’t remember a damn thing.

“Am I dead?” he whispers to himself, scrunching his nose up and frowning deeply, arms coming to wrap around himself. He knows it’d be a fitting end to all he’s done - savior of the wastes, the liberator of New Vegas, the courier that ended the war between the NCR and the Legion. He’d leave behind a legacy, go down in the Mojave’s history as a martyr who died for what he believed in. But he couldn’t shake the idea of Arcade sitting in the Old Mormon Fort back in Freeside, watching the doors for any sign of him to come back through, battered and bloodied, but alive. The thought churns his stomach.

“You’re not dead, sweetie.” Answers a voice behind him. JJ feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, eyes going wide as he stared at his shoes and the ground, his heart hammering away in his chest at that voice, oh  _ God _ that voice. He only heard it in the moments before falling asleep, in his dreams, in an echo of familiar words and phrases, and spinning on his heel, he barely chokes back the sob in his throat -

“Mom?”

Rebecca Peterson stands before her son, her eyes shining and smile warm, looking every bit like JJ remembers her looking the day he left for the Mojave - the last time he ever saw her again. JJ lets out a surprised sob and she opens her arms in a silent offer, which he folds into them without a word. Her embrace is warm around him, and she smells like mutfruit and banana yucca - like home. “Shh, don’t cry, Joey,” she says to him quietly. He lets out another sob instead, the vibration rattling his ribs. “Shh, it’s okay.”

“I-I’m-” he starts, but he loses his words, stumbling over his tears and the lump in his throat. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry mom, I’m sorry I left I shouldn’t have left-” He lets his voice wobble. There’s so much he wants to say. “I missed you. I missed you so much. It’s been so hard to do this without you.”

She strokes his hair, slow and even strokes that he remembers from his childhood, from when Dallas left for the NCR and she held him and comforted him while he cried for hours. “You have nothing to apologize for, Joey. You did nothing wrong,” she tells him softly. “You never could have known.”

“I should have been there for you, with you-”

“Shh,” she shushes him again. JJ opens and closes his mouth a few times, uselessly, before just holding her tighter and sniffling into her shoulder. “You did what you thought was right, and that’s all I could have ever asked. It’s all I ever did. And you’ve never let me down.” 

He thinks about all the people he’s helped in the Mojave, the faces he’s brought hope and optimism to, from the NCR outpost before the Long 15, all the way to Nellis Airforce. But he thinks of the Divide, of the destruction and pain he caused, of all the people he damned in the process, of Ulysses staring him down in the silo and telling him he did this. He can’t stop thinking about it - he wonders if he really is dead, and this is his judgement, just like he learned in Sunday school all those years ago. “I haven’t done the best things,” he tells her, quietly. He thinks about punching James in the face, about the fight with Arcade when they were both on the edge of collapse. “I’ve done a lot of wrong.”

“But you’ve still done a lot of good. The world is a better place because of you.”

“What if all I’ve done, even if it was good, is still for nothing?” he asks, staring blankly at the ground - a broc flower shifts in the wind. “What if my actions changed nothing, and this world continues on, despite how much better I feel like I’ve made it.”

Rebecca hums, and JJ feels it in his chest. She pulls back, hands resting on his shoulders as she stares up at him. He doesn’t remember being taller than her. “You’ve made a difference, Joey James. You made your own way in this world, with your own unique mistakes, and you’ve learned your lessons from them. There was good, and there was bad, but every life is like that. What matters is you can think back and know, deep in your heart, that what you’ve done would make your father and I proud.”

He stares at her, speechless for a moment. “I met dad.” She smiles, small, sad. “I… I understand his choices. I’ll learn for forgive him. He said he’s proud of me.” He lets out a soft snort of a laugh and give her a small smile. “That he’s glad I got the Peterson brand of recklessness.”

“That’s James,” she says fondly.

JJ’s smile falls, and he stares down at her, lips quivering with the threat of tears. His head feels blurry, the flowers swaying going in and out of focus. “I hope I’ve made your proud.” Rebecca smiles at that, a warm sincere smile that leaves JJ speechless with another sob. She pulls him into another hug and he holds her tighter than before, the scenery around them fading to black. 

“There aren’t words to describe how proud I am of you, Joey.”

* * *

JJ opens his eyes to the top of a medical tent. His vision is swimming and his head pounds worse than it did after all the sleepless nights in the Divide. He moves a hand up, resting the palm on his forehead - he feels clammy - and ignores the pain that shoots up his side at the action. ‘ _ Jesus Christ- _ ’ he thinks, gritting out a groan between his teeth. “F-Fuck,” he chokes, and there’s a rustling in his tent. His voice feels sore to use. “Who knew dying would hurt so much-”

“JJ?” 

He looks over. Dallas looks at him, eyes wide and surprised, before he breaks into a giant grin, a relieved laugh bubbling up his throat. “Holy shit-”

“Dallas,” JJ breaths. Maybe he didn’t die.  _ ‘Guess mom will have to wait.’ _

“Holy shit how are you alive-” his best friend starts, then laughs again. “You scared us all half to death you know.”

JJ smiles. “Don’t I normally?”

“Unfortunately,” he says. “You came back a week after the battle. The last time anyone saw you was when you headed into the Legate’s camp, and then it went quiet. You stumbled in half delirious and fucked up, JJ. The moment Arcade got his hands on you, you just passed out in his arms. We thought we were going to lose you.”

“How long have I been asleep?” Bits start to come back - leaning against the gate to the Legate’s camp, holding his side, a fire in his chest that screamed  _ go home, go home, go home _ , home across a river and miles away. Home, being Freeside. Arcade and Dallas.

Dallas hums quietly. “Almost two weeks.”

JJ stares at him for a moment, then looks back to the top of the tent, fingers curling into his blanket, before he releases them. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for?”

“For worrying y’all,” he tells him softly. “I don’t… I really don’t remember all that happened. But I’m sorry for leaving you and Boone. I’m sorry for making you guys worry.”  _ I’m sorry for making Arcade worry _ goes unspoken.

Dallas lets out a breath. “It’s okay, JJ. You’re here now. That’s all we could ask for.”

He stares at the tent, counting stains and tears and lose threads, before he swallows the lump in his throat. “I saw my mom.” Dallas doesn’t say anything. “She said I’ve never let her down. That she doesn’t blame me for what happened to New Cannan. To her. That she’s proud of me.”

“JJ-”

JJ feels the tears before he can register he’s crying. He lets out a hiccup, moves a hand to wipe at his cheeks. He sits up, finally, as a sob leaves his lips. “She’s proud of me. It’s all I’ve wanted to hear for years, Dal.”

Dallas doesn’t say a word, just wraps his arms around him, and JJ hugs back as tight as he can manage, his mom’s voice still ringing in his head.

**Author's Note:**

> dallas graham belongs to my [best friend!](https://twitter.com/danasaurusr)  
> [[main twitter](https://twitter.com/milessqueak)] [[fallout twitter](https://twitter.com/c0uriers1x)]


End file.
